Répliques Cultes VO

3x01 - Wait for it...

Barney: What's up? Oh, and BTW, I am never speaking to Ted again.
Lily: Really? Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?

~¤~

Ted: OH MY GOD! I have a tattoo!
Barney: That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.
Ted: Tramp stamp?
Barney: You know, a hoetag, ass antlers, a Panama City licence plate.

~¤~

Barney: We are going to an after-hours club so after-hours, it's three days from now. What up!

~¤~

Barney: Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What uuuup?

                                                                          ~¤~             

 Marshall: (pointing at Lily's chest in confusion) Weren't you wearing a bra?

 ~¤~

Barney: As your wingman I'm going to get you a 12. Or at least two 6s. Failing that, four 3s. And-break glass in case of emergency-we'll go to Staten Island and get you twelve 1s

  ~¤~

Older Ted: (voiceover) Kids, there's more than one story of how I met your mother. You know the short version, the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella. But there's a bigger story; the story of how I became who I had to become before I could meet her. And that story begins here.

~¤~

Barney: (to Ted) Dude, I'm so excited that you are single again. We are going to conquer New York City. I already have a girl from work lined up for you. Right boob bigger than the left boob; which some choose to look at as bra half empty, I choose to look bra half full.

~¤~

Gael: Gael.
Ted: Gail?
Gael: Gael.
Barney: Kyle?
Gael: Gael.
Marshall: Girl?

~¤~

Marshall: 'Male Gail' is not our friend!

~¤~

(Amy steals liquor at McLaren's)
Barney: They know us here. You're going to get us into trouble!
Amy: Do you ask your tailor to leave extra room in your crotch for your giant vagina?

 

3X02 - We're Not From Here

Barney: (looking at Robin's travel photos) Whoa. Are you topless? Ted, check this out.
Ted: Seen 'em.

~¤~

Robin: Well, I have to have a job.
Vacation Robin: 'I have to have a job´. It's so American.
Robin: I'm Canadian. You know that.

~¤~

Robin: This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand, is not an appropriate thing to say on the air.

 ~¤~

Robin: I've evolved! And I enjoy living my life a little bit closer to the way Gael and I did in Argentina.
Barney: Please. Vacation romances have an expiration date. Gael's got a "best-if-banged-by" sticker on him, and once your romance starts to stink, you'll dump his ass down the drain like sour milk and and go back to being "unevolved Robin," the one we actually like. Back me up here, Ted!
Ted: (automatically) I'm just happy Robin's happy.
Barney: I'm telling you, within three days--
Lily: Oh, here he comes! Switch to big words.
Barney: (without missing a beat, getting up to let Gael sit next to Robin) Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour, and conclude your association.
Robin: My journey was transformative, and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael: (enthusiastic) What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: (smiles, slapping Gael on the back while addressing Robin) This is all gonna return to masticate you in the gluteals. Support my hypothesis, Ted!
Ted: (automatically) I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

~¤~

Robin: (after a dream in which vacation-Robin seduces normal-Robin) She may be sandy, but that chick knows what I like.

3X03 - Third Wheel

Ted: It's a tricycle!
Barney: No way, no way, no way!
Marshall: What's happening?
(Barney gives Marshall the phone)
Ted: It's a tricycle!
Marshall: No way, no way, no way! It's a tricycle!
Lily: I'll say it now, all sorority girls are sluts.  

~¤~

Barney: (on women with unshaved legs) Guys just want to get on the green. They don't mind going through the rough.

~¤~

Ian: Hey, Robin, the valet just pulled my car in. I thought we could go back to my place, if you're in the mood for a nightcap.
Robin: Absolutely. I just have to go to the ladies room. I've got TB. Tiny bladder.

~¤~

Barney: Ted, if you're going to go for the Belt, then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions: 1. Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: 2. Is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Theodore Mosby, are you paying these women?
Ted: No!
Barney: Ted...

 

3X04 - Little boys

Young Katie: Robin, will you watch cartoons with me?
Young Robin: I go to school all week. Can't I have just five minutes to myself to read "Highlights" and drink my juice?

 ~¤~

Lily: Dumped by a six-year-old.
Robin: Whatever, he's a stupid-head. 

~¤~

Robin: [the guy she's dating has a kid] Why is this kid around anyway? Shouldn't he be with his mother? I mean, what kind of lawyer does this guy have if he has to take care of the kid all the time?
Lily: A good one. He won full custody.
Robin: [surprised] He won?
[confused]
Robin: He won? Oh god, getting the kid is winning, isn't it? Don't tell anyone I said that. 

~¤~

Robin: I like sports cars, but I don't want to push a Ferrari through my vagina.
Barney: Shotgun! 

~¤~

Barney: You can't spell "game" without "me", and me has the best game.

 

 

3X05 - How I met everyone else

Barney: (About Ted believing his dead brother story he was telling in the bathroom) Wow, you bought that?
Ted: What?
Barney: I just made that up mid-pee. If it worked on you, it's definitely gonna work on the blonde chick at the end of the bar, unless you're a total idiot. What's your name?
Ted: Ted.
Barney: You a total idiot, Ted?
Ted: Well, I'm still having this conversation. 

~¤~

Barney: (about Marshall getting a date) It's about believing you can, even though you probably can't. 

~¤~

BlahBlah: You guys dated? For how long?
Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will get you where you need to go. 

~¤~

Marshall: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Ted: This is Barney, I met him the other day. He is kind of a jackass.
Barney: I'm teaching Ted how to live. And lucky you, I have room for one more student. Think of me as Yoda. Only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome! I'm your bro. I'm broda! 

~¤~

Barney: Let's see how BlahBlah is doing on the crazy/hot scale. She started the night here on the hot side but, as the night progressed, she's got crazier but no hotter which has caused her to drift across the Mendonza diagonal dangerously close to the Shelly Gilespie zone, another girl I dated. She gained 20 pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.

 

3X06 - I'm not that guy 

Jeff: You know what Kobe Beef is?
Marshall: The most expensive beef in the world.
Jeff: The place that I'm taking you has Kobe Lobster. That is lobster fed with Kobe Beef. 

~¤~

Ted: (hugging Marshall) Congrats, buddy.
Marshall: Thanks. It's kind of weird hugging you with porn on. 

~¤~

Barney: Let's meet your new doppelgänger, or should I say doppelbänger?  

~¤~

Lily: Are you telling me they actually have conventions for porn?
Barney: Affirmative. Or to put it another way, God bless America. 

~¤~

Robin: You're the couple that tells each other everything. For God's sake, Lily, you text him while he's on the can.

3X07 - Dowisetrepla

Robin: Well, it's been nice knowing you guys.
Ted: What do you mean?
Robin: Well, Marshall's going to get you guys, Lily's going to get me.
Ted: Even if they break up, it doesn't mean we still can't all hang out. I mean, we broke up and we still hang out. It's not weird.
Robin: It's a lil' weird.
Ted: Yeah, it is. It's weird. 

~¤~

Robin: What the hell are you doing? You can't buy this place, Lily, you have a debt the size of Mount Waddington!
Lily: Waddington?
Robin: It's the tallest mountain in Canada. It's, like, 4,000 meters high.
Lily: Meters? 

~¤~

Meg: (sees framed picture in apartment for sale) Who are these people?
Barney: Eh, that's my parents.
Meg: They're... Asian.
Barney: Yeah, they're a Chinese couple that wanted a white baby; it works both ways.

3X08 -Spoiler alert

Marshall: Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her when the baby was due.
Robin: She wasn't pregnant?
Ted: No, he was not. 

~¤~

Marshall: Jellybeans, Fluffernutter, gummy bears, gingersnaps. This is a grocery list.
Robin: For who? A witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.
Lily: What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney : And your mom was perfect ? 

~¤~

Barney: Trust me, you need to see this.
Marshall: What is so important that I need to see it right now?
Barney: It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby.
Marshall: (pause) How do I need to see that? Wh-why would I want to see that? In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain to something that disgusting enrich my life?
Barney: It's a dog... pooping... on a baby. Just do a quick Google search for "Caca Spaniel." 

 ~¤~

Robin: Where are those pretzels from? Ace Hardware? 

~¤~

Ted: Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?
Marshall: I assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and because I resemble a young Harrison Ford.

3X09 - Slapsgiving

Future Ted: You see on the surface Robin and I looked like we were doing great, but the truth is, trying to be friends with your ex is a lot harder than it looks...
(Flashback) ... you can't be as candid as you used to be!
Ted: So then hot intern leans over my desk, I can totally see she has a pierced-... (Robin and Lily passes) ...Brosnan! Pierce Brosnan is my favorite of all the Bonds.

 ~¤~

Barney: I'm sorry, did you just say the Canadian thanksgiving was - and I'm quoting - the "real thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate a-boot?
Robin: The Canadian thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant, yet ultimately, unsuccessful attempt to find the Northwest Passage.
Barney: Why are you guys even a country? 

~¤~

Marshall: Oh my! Look at that! That means we're in the final hour of the countdown.
Barney: I'm not scared
Marshall: Then why is your right cheek twitching?
Barney: It's not...
Marshall: Maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum .
Barney: Please don't slap me! 

~¤~

Barney: No, no. The countdown ends at 3pm the day after thanksgiving. I counted it out!
Ted: How many days are in October?
Barney: Uhhh...Thirty 

~¤~

(after knowing Ted and Robin slept togheter)
Barney: Relapse five! That's when we high five, then it gets awkward a little bit...then we high five again!

 

3X10 - The yips

Barney: That was the day I was born. I rose phoenix-like from her mentholated bosom and stood Armani-clad and fully awesome.

~¤~

Robin: That story made me want to join that gym, so that when I get strong I can punch you in the face.
Ted: You know what? Let's all do it.
Lily: Yeah, let's all punch Barney in the face!

~¤~

Barney: But you said I rocked your world. All subsequent worlds that I rocked were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned from said first world rocking. 

~¤~

Heidi Klum: (about Barney) Is he okay?
Ted: Ah, he has the yips. Hasn't been able to hit on a woman all night.
Heidi Klum: He has the yips? Ooh, that's bad. You know, in Germany we call this "Ach du meine Güte, gar nichts klappt mehr, so'ne Scheiße" ["Oh my goodness, nothing's working anymore, oh crap"]. Wow, that is bad.

~¤~

Lily: Oh, baby, are you still sore?
Marshall: Trish made me do 70 push-ups, but she only gave me credit for 10. Then she had me do a hundred sit-ups, and then she made me cry, using only her words.

 

 

 

3x11 - The platinum rule

Ted (about his tattoo): Say good-bye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.
Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly, how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?

~¤~

Barney: Ted, you've heard of the golden rule, right? "love the neighbour?"
Ted: Uh, actually, it's "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."It's from the Bible.

~¤~

Ted: I'm out the door as soon as I'm finished with my hair.
Barney: Good, then we've got a solid half hour.

~¤~

Ted: This is New York city. You don't get close to the neighbours. You nod at them politely in the hall. You call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny, and that is it.
Lily: We're not gonna date them. We're just gonna be friends with them.
Barney: That's the couples version of dating.

~¤~

Barney: What rule is there that says I can't seduce the waitress at my favorite bar?
Lily: I don't know. I'd expect you to have one already.

~¤~

Barney (about Wendy): She's gullible. I'm bored. We're perfect for each other.

~¤~

Barney: Step 6 is called purg...wait for it... keep waiting... keep waiting for all eternity only to discover there's no escape-- atory.

~¤~

Barney: Remember the old Barney? He was a lion,the king of the jungle, stalking whatever prey he chose, going in for the kill.
Ted: You've got a whole meat locker at home full of corpses, don't you?
Barney: Now look at me. Clawed. Neutered. What was once my jungle is now my zoo. And I am forced to mate with the same old lioness again and again and again, while families pay to watch.

~¤~

The confrontation:
Robin (to Curt "the iron man" Irons): I like you...
Marshall (to Laura and Michael): Guys, we like you a lot...
Barney (to Wendy): I don't like you...

~¤~

Marshall: So what do you mean "it wasn't a date"?
Ted: She thought we were seeing a movie just as friends.
Marshall: Why would she think that?
Robin: Did she see your tattoo and assume you were gay?

3x12 - No tomorrow

About Barney's green suit:

Lily: Look it's the ridler.
Marshall: That's not the ridler. That's gumby. Can we tie you in a knot later?
Ted: Hey NBA player sidelined by a knee injury.

~¤~

About Barney's green suit: 
Barney: I think I got to lie down.
Marshall: Can we shoot pool on you?

~¤~

About Barney's green suit: 
Ted: Sorry,we're grown ups now, we can't fly up to Neverland with you anymore.

~¤~

Marshall (at phone): How are you? I've been talking to you forever.
Lily: Who is it?
Marshall: It's Ted's butt.
Ted: Damn it! My phone keeps pocket dialing.

~¤~

Stefanie: I haven't met Ted either. I'm Stefanie.
Barney: Dude, back off. I called this on Stefanie.
Ted: Okay, Mary's hot.
Barney: Well then I want Mary.
Ted: Fine.
Barney: Oh, I see, reverse psychology. Then I'm sticking with Stefanie Dr. Freud.
Ted: Okay.
Barney: Which one do you want more?
Ted: Either one.
Barney: I want them both. 

~¤~

Lily: We spent our entire life savings on this particular. The next 30 mortgage paying years of our lives will be spent on a floor an it's crooked! 
Marshall: Thanks a lot, Robin!
Robin: How is racist ghost bear than crooked?

~¤~

Ted: So I'm having second thoughts about that theory.
Barney: I'm telling you if you want to know how old a woman is check her elbows.
Ted: Not that theory.

3X13 - Ten sessions

Ted: Hi, Ted Moseby for Dr. Zinman.
Abby: Hi, Ted.. I'll let her know. (stares at him, smiling)
Ted: Telepathically?
Abby: That's funny! (laughs) That's funny, smart, and great.

~¤~

Barney: Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.
Ted: No, I like Stella.
Barney: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, Ted. Your little Stella is not so perfect.
Ted: What do you mean?
Barney: I went down there and checked her out for myself. (leans forward) Yeah. And while I was down there, I discovered that she had a secret. A terrible, terrible secret.
Ted: (panicky) What? What is it?
(the music swells, and Barney stares at Ted.)
Barney: Hold on, I gotta pee.

~¤~

Barney: Okay, I'm back. (turns to Robin) What's going on at work?
Ted: What's the big secret!?
Barney: Oh! Oh, right.
--(flashback)
Barney: Hi, I'd like to see Dr. Zinman, please.
Abby: Sure, what's it regarding?
Barney: I just want to see her. One look at her. See what she looks like.
Abby: I-I don't understand.
Barney: I'm sorry, did I accidentally oprima numero dos when I called? Do you SPEAK ENGLISH? I WANT TO SEE HER!
Abby: Sir, please, don't yell at me. Because when people yell at me, I have a tendency to start crying. (Barney is heard yelling over the phone) .. Please don't do it.. Please.

~¤~

Barney: At first, she seemed great. Beautiful. Smart. Way out of your league. But then I overheard this conversation:
(Abby walks in)
Abby: Dr. Zinman?
Stella: Abby, did my hypnotherapist call yet?
Abby: No.
Stella: Ugh, when am I going to kick this folliculaphilia?
--(present)
(Barney makes a "there you go" gesture)
Ted: (stunned) "Folliculaphilia"?
Barney: Folliculaphilia.
Ted: What is that?
Barney: Ted, your perfect woman can only be attracted to men with mustaches.
Ted: (laughing) That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That's not real.
Barney: You're right, Ted. I'm just making that up.
Ted: I know that you are, because there is no such thing.
Robin: .. I got it a little bit.

~¤~

Stella: Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp-my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case I think it's time to find a new gang.
Ted: Uh, no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by and all of the sudden.

  

3X14 - The bracket

(Lily forces Barney to apologize to Meg)
Barney: Lily, this girl hates me. I hooked up with her in an apartment I was pretending was my own, told her I loved her and then ditched her there. She got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop and spent eight days in jail.

~¤~

Barney: Ahh, there she is.
Lily: Oh, and she's holding hot coffee, maybe she'll throw it in your face.
Barney: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?
Lily: I'm making a scrapbook.

~¤~

(Barney's apology)
Barney: Hey, I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl I've slept with and all of the horrible things I've done to them, and I've done some horrible things. I mean at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language but I shook a guy's hand he gave the keys to a Mercedes and I left her there. I'm the guy who keeps a scrap book of all the women but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So from the bottom of my heart, for what ever I did to you, I apologize.

~¤~

(After Barney got slapped in the hardware store)
Barney: The same thing happened in the pet store yesterday.
Marshall: Pet store?
Ted: Single girl, mid twenties, looking of canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her, instead finds Barney!
Barney : (Very satisfied) God bless you Ted, you are reading my blog.
Ted : (With a guilty face) I'm really bored at work.

 ~¤~

(Barney's explanation who is going to hardware stores)
Robin: Wait, you go to the hardware store to pick up girls?
Barney: There are four kinds of women that go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin: Of course, there are.
Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorces, lesbians who let me to watch.
Lily: You can not be more evil.
Barney: Sorry, five; recently widowed.

3X15 - The chain of screaming

Barney: You know what, if you're not gonna yell at the waiter, yell at me.
Marshall: What?
Barney: Yell at me.
Marshall: I'm not gonna yell at you, Barney.
Barney: Why? You think you're gonna upset me? Please, give me your
best shot.
Marshall: Ok, fine. Do you want me to yell at you?
Barney: Yeah.
Marshall: This is me, yelling at you, Barney!
Barney: I'm sorry I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly landing on a leaf about three blocks away.
Marshall: This is me, yelling at you, Barney!
Barney: Okay, you got some volume now give me some content, make it hurt!
Marshall: You don't look as good in suits as you think you do!
Barney: No, something that it's true, come on. The man made you cry, make me cry!

~¤~

Barney: Dude, I can't believe you cried in front of your boss.
Marshall: I don't know what happened. There is just something about been yelled like that, like I was being spurred by my dad, suddenly...suddenly I was a little boy.
Robin: Is boy the right word?

~¤~

Barney: The lesson of Blowman is that when your boss screams at you, you never scream back. That's why there is a little thing in corporate America I like to call "The Chain of Screaming".
Marshall: The Chain of Screaming?
Barney: Yes! The Chain of Screaming starts at the top: Arthur's boss' boss screams at Arthur's boss - Arthur's boss screams at Arthur - Arthur screams at you - you go home and scream at Lilly - Lilly screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class - then that kid screams at her dad, Arthur's boss' boss. And the whole thing starts all over again, thus completing the Circle of Screaming.
Ted: I thought is was A Chain of Screaming.

~¤~

Ted: Come on. When's the last time you got screamed-at at work?
Barney: I got screamed-at three times today. Once in Korean. This is corporate America, Marshall. Screaming is motivational tool. Like Christmas bonuses or sexual harassments. It's just good business.

3X16 - Sandcastles in the sand

Barney: Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?

                                                                        ~¤~

Marshall: So is he the guy who, how shall I say this like a gentleman...Robin, did he take your "maple leaf"?
Robin: No, it wasn't like that.
Barney: Sounds to me like he gave you your first "Oh Canada" face!
Older Ted: (voiceover) This went on for a really long time.

~¤~

Barney: You're the most awesome person I've ever known. Well, second most awesome.
Robin: Right, of course the first being you.
Barney: No, no. The first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror. What up?

~¤~

Robin: Is there any version of this conversation that you guys don't sound like my parents?
Lily: I don't know, is there any version that you don't sound like a 16-year-old?
Robin: That's exactly what my mom would say!
Lily: No, if I were your mom, I'd say: "We forbid you from seeing this boy"
Robin: Lily!
Lily: I'm sorry, but it's for your own good!
Robin: This is my life! You guys just don't get it, you never felt the way I feel!
Marshall: No, no, we were young and in love too!
Robin: Yeah, like a billion years ago!
Lily: You've been drinking, haven't you?
Robin: Yeah, we all have, you bought the last round.

                                                                         ~¤~

Robin: Hey, Simon!
Simon: Ohh, look at you! You got old.
Robin: Yeah. You look great! You got hotter, like that's possible! So...

3X17 - The goat

Marshall: Ted has upheld this this time and time again. For example, article 87, "A bro shall at all times say yes."
Girl: So he saved you from an avalanche?
Ted: Yes.
Girl: And he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg?
Ted: Yes.
Girl: And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer who used to be a member of the Russian mob?
Ted: Da.

~¤~

Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

~¤~

Ted: Hey, Barney, I'm getting rid of some of my old stuff. Do you want my Xbox?
Barney: (thinking that Ted is referring to Robin) Shame on you! She has a name! What kind of man do you think I am?
Ted: Uh, someone who likes video games?

~¤~

Barney: So... I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.
Robin: And I just slept with my ex-boyfriend's really good friend.
Barney: (corrects her) Best friend.

~¤~

(While Ted was yelling at Barney in the limo)
Barney: I'm horrified that this happened.
Ted: How did it happen? Ahh? Barney? I want to know. Tell me exactly how it happened.
Barney: You mean, what position?
 

  

3X18 - Rebound bro

Barney: I'm the greatest wingman of all the time!
Robin: Ted doesn't know what he is missing.
Barney: You had to mention Ted, didn't you?

~¤~

(Marshall's cell phone rings)
Marshall: Hey buddy...I'm married Barney, I cannot be your new wingman.
(Robin's cell phone rings)
Robin: No.

~¤~

Ted: We can do it against the door. It will be hot. It will be like a three-way: you, me and the door.
Stella: Yeh, but then it's going to be weird between me and the door tomorrow.

~¤~

Barney: No offense, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is Vice President of Awesome. And you're like Assistant Undersecretary of Only OK.

~¤~

Robin: Let me ask you something, Ted... why are you so much madder at Barney than me?
Lily: Yeah... she had just as much sex with Barney as Barney had with her!
Robin: You know what, I'm not sure that's true...

3X19 - Everything must go

Barney: Abby and I are in love. Not hot, passionate love. Couple love! You know, movie night with my girlfriend then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold blue light of my computer monitor.

~¤~

Ted: Hey, how was your day?
Lilly: Today I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.
Ted: A rainbow?! Sounds like that bitch had it coming.

~¤~

Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?
Abby: You slept with me and you never called me again.
Barney: And?
Abby: That's it!
Barney: That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to complain about!

3X20 - Miracles

Barney: Ted, can we be friends again?
Ted: Barney, come on. We're more then friends. We're brothers.
(Both crying)
Barney: You're my brother, Ted.
Ted: You're my brother, Barney.
Barney: Did you hear that, Marshall? We're brothers now!
Ted: Marshall is my brother too.
Marshall: We're all brothers.
Barney: Yeah, but I'm your best brother, right?

~¤~

Marshall: Miracle!
Robin: A pencil entered Barney's nose, and you call it a miracle?
Marshall: Do you have a better explanation for it?
Robin: A drunk jackass with a box of pencils?
Marshall: A drunk jackass called God and a box of pencils called Destiny.