Répliques Cultes VO

2x01 - Where were we ?

Marshall: Well I called her! And get this, she changed her number. What like I'm going to stalk her or something, like she's so special. Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there. Cause there are four others out there in the San Francisco area alone. And they all seem a lot better then her, based on the brief conversations that I had with them.
Robin: Does he know I'm in here.
Marshall: Yeah, hey Robin.

~¤~

Robin: I thought he'd never go to sleep.
(Robin and Ted start kissing on the bed)
Ted: Uh oh.
Robin: Already.
Ted: He's calling her.
(Ted jumps off the bed)
Robin: I don't hear anything.
Ted: He's calling her!
(Ted runs out and tackles Marshall in the living room)

~¤~

Robin: (referring to her and Ted getting together) Hey! So, did you hear the big news?
Ted: You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up and Lily's gone and nothing else remotely important happened last night? Yeah, I think he knows.

~¤~

Barney: Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or BPEGs. And your hard drive's filled to the capacity with Lily's.

~¤~

Ted: You hungry?
Marshall: What's the point. I could eat some food it's just gonna leave me.
Ted: Well at least in that scenario you get to do the dumping. Come on it's Sunday! It's pancakes day.
Marshall: Lily always made the pancakes. God, I love her pancakes. So soft. So warm. So perfectly shaped.
Ted: Are we still talking about her pancakes? Come on. You gotta eat something. What can I get you?
Marshall: Beer?
Ted: No. That's what you had for dinner.
Marshall: Fine. Then I'll just have left overs. (pulls out beer from side of the couch)

 

 

 

2x02 - The Scorpion and the Toad

(Referring to Lily)
Ted: She's moved on?
Robin: Well it happens, I've fallen out of love faster than that before. Sometimes boom, with no warning once so ever. One day we in love, the next day he's dead to me.
(Ted looks at Robin with sadden eyes)
Robin: But we're great... Honey.

~¤~

Marshall: I did it, I got a girls phone number. Oh, and her hand writing is so cute, look.
(Hands the phone number to Barney)
Marshall: Oh, I'm going to take her out for Chinese food, and maybe we'll a walk though the park, it will be so... what?
Barney: Sorry buddy, I'm taking this one too.
(Anger builds up in Marshall's face)
Marshall: I'll kill you!

~¤~

Barney: Dude! You were awesome last night! You were charming, you were funny, you were totally working that girl!
Marshall: You went home with her!
Barney: Yes I did...

~¤~

Older Ted: None of us had seen Lily in 3 months. They were so many unanswered questions, so many things to say.
Robin: Your hair is adorable!

~¤~

Ted: Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five American bucks.
Robin: Dammit!

 

 

2x03- Brunch

Virginia Mosby: Oh, Barney. You're just delightful.
Barney: No, you're delightful. I'm delighted. And he's just Ted. I'm just making this stuff up. I don't know where they're coming from.

~¤~

Barney: No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a completely unerotic body part.
Marshall: You would say that because of those chicken legs.
Barney: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.

~¤~

(after having sex in the bathroom)
Lily: Really wasn't expecting that to happen.
Marshall: Yeah, me neither. That kinda complicates things, doesn't it.
Lily: Yeah it does. Why did you have to throw your magnificent calves at me? You know you have a punter's leg.
Marshall: Well, why did you have to throw your beautiful boobs at me? You know you have...boobs.

~¤~

 Marshall: Are you wearing a push-up bra?
Lily: Did you Mystic Tan your calves?
Marshall: I withdraw the question.

~¤~

Barney: Robin, I'm his best friend, that's a commitment. You're just his girlfriend. That's like a bad flu, out of your system after a couple of weeks in bed. High five!

 

 

2x04 - Ted Mosby: Architect

(Robin and Lily talk while getting a pedicure)

Robin: So now he's all mad about this stupid movie.

Lily: Robin, he's upset because you wouldn't listen to him, not because you didn't like some movie.

(Cut to Ted talking with Marshall and Barney)

Ted: How do you not like Field of Dreams?!?!?!

~¤~

Marshall: You know what dude, forget about Robin ok, you're hanging with us tonight, I got a awesome party lined up.
Barney: Oh God, it's going to be another one of your weird all guy parties?
Marshall: That was a poker game, what is wrong with you?

~¤~

Carl: Hey, Lily. Still single?
Lily: Yes.
Carl: You know, I poured a lot of free drinks for you over the years, a lot.
Lily: Carl, do you really want to be with a woman who would trade sex for beer.
Carl: Only if you're into it.

~¤~

Barney: ...And that led to a couple of hours that I cannot, as a gentleman, divulge to you. (Barney pauses for a second) We did it, right here and here and here!

~¤~

Barney: And thus ends this session of 'Let's pour our hearts out in the bedroom of Barney's one night stand.´

 

 

2x05 - World's Greatest Couple

(Barney walks into his apartment)
Barney: Oh, and P to the S, I never got my payout from Seattle two weeks ago, yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commissions on you , I'm sure they'd be very interested to know what's going on over there, alright, alright? Ok I love you too mom, take care.

~¤~

Ted: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's surrounded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.
Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

~¤~

(About going to brunch with Brad)
Marshall: We're here, we're hungry, get used to it, Brunch!

~¤~

Barney: Look around Lily, you are in the heart of bachelor country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now you can try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours. Fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry.

~¤~

(Barney turns on another massive flat-screen T.V)
Lily: Okay, seriously, what do you do for a living?
Barney: Mmhehe. Please.

 

 

 

2x06 - Aldrin Justice

Druthers: (about the model trees Ted made) No good. Too green.
Ted: Too green?
Druthers: I want them to be more of a natural brown. Almost a burnette. Also, they need to be bushier.
Ted: Bushier?
Druthers: I want this tower to emerge from a thicket of unruly burnette bush. Can you picture it, Ted?
Ted: I can't unpicture it.

~¤~

Barney: Tonight, just like John Mellencamp, I am going to get rid of the cougar once and for all.

~¤~

Barney: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge-
Marshall: I didn't challenge you to have sex-
Barney: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.

~¤~

Barney: Now the blouse. The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible, to captivate her prey. You're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce.

~¤~

(Robin is making a toast to Ted at the bar)
Robin: To Ted, the youngest person to ever design a building over 70 stories, probably!
Everyone in the bar: Probably!

 

 

2x07 - Swarley

Lily: Is Chloe here?
Scott: She just left. You can still catch her. She's easy to spot. She's got a bright pink umbrella.
Lily: Oh. Thanks, Brian.
Scott: I'm Scott.
Lily: Your tag says Brian.
Scott: Yeah, I know. So I wake up this morning, and--
Lily: Yeah, see ya.

~¤~

Barney: One time I met a girl... at this very bar...
[flashback]
Barney: I saw that she had the crazy eyes... but I ignored it. And then, sure enough...
[later flashback]
Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney: Anything.
Lauren: Would you like to have a three-some?
Barney: [looking un-comfortable and catching breath] of course...
Lauren: Great! It would be me, you and Mr Weasels! [pulls out stuffed animal]
[back to the present]
Ted: So, did you do it ?
Barney: No. It ended up being just the two-some. With the third one watching from a chair.
Ted: Which one were you ?
Barney: [looking askance] I'd rather not say.

~¤~

(3 weeks ago)
Chloe: Marshall, here's your pumpkin latte.
Marshall: Wow, how'd you fit a pumpkin into this little cup?
(8 days ago)
Customer: (to Chloe) I'll have a pumpkin latte.
Marshall: How do they even fit a pumpkin into those little cups? What you got a shrink ray back there?
Yesterday
Marshall: Hey, remember that time I said that thing, how do they fit a pumpkin into the little cup.
Chloe: Which time?
Marshall: The first time
Chloe: Yeah (laughing) That was really funny.

~¤~

Ted: (in a teasing sing-song voice to Marshall) Somebody has a crush on you.
Barney:(in a teasing sing-song voice to Marshall) Somebody thinks you're me.

~¤~

Robin: I signed him up for People en Español, but I addressed it to Swarlos.

 

 

2x08 - Atlantic City

Marshall: I don't get it. Hundreds of people get married in Atlantic City all the time.
Registrar: Yes, but not to elope. They come for the white, sandy beaches, world-class amenities and Riviera-like ambience.
Lily: Are you kidding me? Have you been outside?
Ted: There is half a rotting orca whale not ten feet from our room.

~¤~

Registrar: You are aware that this is not Las Vegas.
Robin: Tell me about it. In Vegas casinos pump in oxygen. Here, most guests bring their own.

~¤~

Barney: Ah, AC. Always in decline, never hitting bottom. It's good to be back, old friend.

~¤~

Barney: Marshall, I'm your best man.
Marshall: You're not my best man.
Ted: Right here.
Barney: And as your best man, I have to throw you a bachelor party. That's part of being a best friend.
Marshall: You're not my best friend.
Ted: Right here.

~¤~

Marshall: Barney, split your tiles. You can triple your money if you find the jelly bean.

 

 

2x09 - Slap Bet

Barney: I've got it, the ultimate wager, Slap bet.
Marshall: Oh Slap Bet we used to do those when I was a kid.
Lily: What the hell's a slap bet?
Marshall: Whoever's right gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they possibly can but no ratings.

~¤~

Barney: You got something to say to me?
Marshall: What are you talking about?
Barney: I know Robin was never really married.
Marshall: How could you possibly know that
(Barney looks at Lily as she looked away)
Marshall: You told him?!
Lily: I had to I'm a Slap bet commissioner!

~¤~

Lily: Oh right, like you need an excuse to watch porn.
Barney: CANADIAN Porn! Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go OOT of my mind.

~¤~

Barney: Your tombstone will read "Lily Aldrin: Caring wife, loving friend and Slap Bet Commissioner"
Marshall: And on Barney's grave it'll read "Got slapped by Marshall so hard he died"!

~¤~

Ted: So, what's the deal with you and malls?
Robin: I thought you said if I didn't want to talk about it I didn't have to.
Ted: Yeah, with those people, but I'm your boyfriend. Come on! what is it? Did you get arrested at a mall?
Robin: No.
Ted: Dumped at a mall?
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Found out you were Canadian in a mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Trapped under a fake boulder at a mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Maulled at the mall?
Robin: Let it go!... and who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall?
Ted: Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure.(Robin looks at him funny)

 

 

 

2x10 - Singe Stamina

Robin: How come it never came up that Barney has a gay black brother?
Ted: Maybe that's because I focus on what's inside a person rather than the color of their skin. I'm just kidding. I just wanted to see the look on your face.

 ~¤~

Barney: OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: Yeah... I don't get manicures.
Barney: OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: [gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?
Barney: [annoyed] You know what I mean!
[back on topic]
Barney: Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out.
[in despair]
Barney: Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

 ~¤~

Ted: Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike.
Lily: James is gay.
Robin: Really? Never in a million years would I picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome!
Ted: Yea, we just wanted you to have a heads-up so you don't act all surprised when he gets here.
(Barney's black brother enters the apartment)
Robin: Thanks for the heads-up.

 ~¤~

Old Ted: It got so bad Barney tried to be his own wingman.
(Clip from the bar)
Barney: Have you met me?

 ~¤~

Robin: Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.
Lily: Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo.

 

 

2x11 - How Lily Stole Christmas

(Barney sneezes)
Ted: Are you sick?
Barney: Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?

 ~¤~

Barney: Too weak, to hold bowl.
Robin: Find I'll feed you.
(Robin feeds Barney some soup)
Barney: Ouchie in my mouth.
Robin blows on soup to feed barney again
Barney: I don't want it, I want ice cream.
Robin: No you're not having ice cream for dinner just cause your sick.
Barney: But my throat hurts.
Robin: No!
Barney: I hate you!
Robin: Oh.
(Robin prepares to leave)
Barney: Don't leave me.

 ~¤~

Ted: I promise I will never call you a... you know, ever again.
Lily: It's okay. I was kind of a Grinch!
Boy: What's a Grinch?
Lily: Umm... it's a word you shouldn't say!
Boy: Mom, what's a Grinch?
[Stacy spits out her drink in horror]
Kids: (Chanting) Grinch! Grinch! Grinch!
Ted: Uhh, Merry Christmas!
(Running out with his friends)
Ted: Let's get out of here!

 ~¤~

Ted: She took the decorations? That Grinch!
Older Ted: That time I really did say Grinch.

 ~¤~

Barney: [Sick in bed] This is a low point for the Barnacle. I should be out playing laser tag, being awesome. Don't look at me, I'm hideous!
Robin: Oh, come on. You look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. Look at me, I'm wearing elastic waistband fleece pants.
Robin: But they're comfy, right?
Barney: [Weakly and ashamed] Yes...

 

 

2x12 - First Time In New York

(After having sex)
Marshall: That was amazing.
Lily: Yeah. Wanna do it again?
Ted: Please don't.

 ~¤~

Ted: Did anybody put baby in the corner?
Barney: Oh, God, no.

 ~¤~

Katie: Kyle is a really nice guy. He could have cheated on me with my lab partner Gretchen Gwynn, but he didn't, because he said he'd knew I'd find out.
Ted: That's very gallant.

 ~¤~

Marshall: Speaking of waiting, I signed an abstinence pledge in high school. It's totally cool to wait. And stay away from drugs, other than pot. (Winks)

 ~¤~

Robin: Spider! Spider!
Barney: I left something in the hallway! (Runs out the front door)
Ted: Where?
Robin: Right there!
Ted comes over and kills the spider with napkin
Ted: Got it (Kisses Robin)
Barney comes back in
Ted: Still alive! (Drops napkin on floor)
Barney freaks out and runs back out

 

 

2x13 -  Columns

Barney: Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Robin: Oh wow, a new dart!
Ted: Hey, that new dart is great!
Robin: I did not know you were such a fan of "new dart", Barney!
Barney: Oh yes, Robyn, I just love "nude art"..."nude art"
Barney: [after an awkward stare from Marshall] "nude art"!
[laughs]
Marshall: You found the painting, didn't you?

 ~¤~

Lily: (trying to paint Barney with a sword in his hand) I don't think your sword will fit.
Barney: I get that a lot.

 ~¤~

Barney: (seeing his nude painting) She left out my little Barney! Barney jr., my barnana. Little barnacle....

 ~¤~

Barney: You have been blessed with a wonderful gift.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: I meant me.

~¤~

Ted: (after watching Marshall steal his nude painting from the bar) One of my worst fears just came true- I saw Marshall grab himself naked.

 

 

2x14 - Monday Night Football

Ted: Almighty TiVo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. Let's not forget fast forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, oh Magic Box. But if you malfunction and miss the Superbowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats. Amen.

 ~¤~

Barney: High five!
Ted: Dude, we're at a wake.
Barney: Sorry. Solemn, low five.

 ~¤~

Barney: I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. Buck naked! Yeah! Its going to be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies,
[singing]
Barney: What up?

 

 

2x15 - Lucky Penny

Barney: I've ridden the subway twice, end to end; I've seen where it turns around. Ted, you don't ever wanna see where the subway turns around.

 ~¤~

[About Barney]
Ted: He'll do anything to win a bet. Remember that time he bet me that Men at Work sang Hungry Like the Wolf? And when he found out that they didn't, he tried to hire them to.

 ~¤~

Marshall: I will bet you fifty bucks you don't even finish the race.
Barney: (childish voice) Fifty bucks? Gee grandpa, if I win maybe I could buy myself an ice-cream cone! (continues normally) Make it ten thousand!
Marshall: You have a gambling problem, and you'll bet me fifty.
Barney: Fine, then no bet. Okay fifty.

 ~¤~

Barney: Here's how you run a marathon. Step 1: You start running. There is no step 2.

 ~¤~

Marshall: All that work I put in training for the marathon was a total waste.
Barney: Training for a marathon?
Marshall: What?
Barney: You don't train for a marathon, you just run it.

 

 

2x16 - Stuff

Robin: Oh, my God. You've been robbed.
Ted: Nope. Just got rid of all my old girlfriend stuff.
Robin: All that stuff was from your exes? Didn't you buy any stuff of your own?
Ted: What can I say? Papa got swag.

 ~¤~

Older Ted: New York is famous for its theater, but there are different levels. There's Broadway; off-Broadway; off-off-Broadway; homeless people screaming in the park; and below that, the play your Aunt Lily was in.

 ~¤~

(When settling down to watch Barney's play)
Marshall: Are you sure you're gonna be ok? I mean you know that this is going to be..
Lily: I know. But I am going to sit through the whole thing and I am going to say something nice about if afterwards. You know why? Because that's what friends do.
Marshall: Hmm.
(The lights are dimmed and Barney enters, the gong sounds)
Barney: Moist, moist, moist, moist.
(Lily uncomfortable, repeatedly flinches)
Future Ted: That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.
Barney: Moist.
Future Ted: And then we endured about twenty minutes of this.
(Barney sprays Lily repeatedly in the face with a water pistol)
Barney: I have to go refill, I'll be back in a moment, play's not over.
Marshall: I never get picked for audience participation.

 ~¤~

(Marshall slaps Barney)
Marshall: That's two.

 ~¤~

Ted: We fought for so long, seasons changed outside the window.

 

 

2x17 - Arrivederci, Fiero

Marshall: We'll get a new car, and we'll fill that one up with new memories. That'll be the car we have when we're first married. When we own our first house. Maybe even the first car our four kids remember.
Lily: Oh, that's so sweet. The first car our two kids remember.

 ~¤~

Barney: This isn't right... God never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds.
Ted: Relax... You're doing great... Ignore the old lady on the Rascal... This isn't a race...
Barney: *Guh* Dude! A dog!
Ted: Zitch-dog! Yes! One-Nothing.
Barney: Crap! Whaddo I do? Tell me what to do Ted.
Ted: Step on the brake... Some time in the next twenty minutes...
Barney: Which... Which ones the brake again?
Ted: The left one.
Barney: Left. Left. Oh man, left. I'm totally blanking!
Ted: Just make the "L's" with your hands.
Barney: Ooooh! We're not gonna make it! Wah! [accidentally turns on the radio]
Ted: Why did you just turn on the radio?
Barney: BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN ON THE RADIO! We're gonna die, tell me what to do Ted!
Ted: Relax, you're being crazy!
Barney: Help me Ted!
Ted: Stop, drop and roll.
Barney: Be serious! Stop, drop and roll?
Ted: Screaming is fun! Screaming is fuuuuuuun!
[Both scream]
Barney: Uh! I cant move. I can't feel my... Uh... We're okay...
Ted: We're okay.
Barney: It's a MIRACLE Ted!

 ~¤~

(Fighting in the Fiero, Marshall knocked off Ted's glasses)
Ted: My spectacles!

 ~¤~

Marshall: I'm sorry about your spectacles.
Ted: It's okay. They were decorative.

 ~¤~

Lily: So you made a life changing decision not to change your life at all.
Barney: True story.

 

 

2x18 - Moving Day

Marshall: [giving Ted one of the two swords] I hate to break up the set, but you're going to need it.
Robin: He's right. My building is infested with dragons.

 ~¤~

Barney: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Wrong! The correct answer is: No, I want to stay single and have fun with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can find someone who's hotter than Ted?
[pause]
Barney: Correct! The correct answer is awkward silence.

 ~¤~

Ted: Barney...
Barney: This isn't Barney. But I hear that guy's awesome.

 ~¤~

(Ted is packing to leave the apartment)
Barney: So, we all agree, we'll move Ted's stuff back up here?
Ted: Ummm, no, we're still moving in together.
Barney: Why? This is crazy. Ted, you're throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob shaped boobs.
(Barney points at Robin)
Barney: This is bad for you too you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any make-up?
Robin: I'm not wearing make-up right now.
Barney: Holy crap, you're beautiful.

 ~¤~

(Ted's phone rings)
Ted: Hello.
Barney: (in deep voice) Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby.
Ted: Barney, I know it's you. Where's my stuff?
Barney: It's not me. If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit.
Ted: What suit?
Barney: Ding-dong. Oh, what's that? The doorbell.
(Ted moves towards the door)
Barney: THAT'S the suit I'm talking about.
Ted: I haven't gotten to the door yet.
Barney: (in normal voice) Oh, okay, let me know when you get there.
(Ted reaches the door and opens it)
Ted: Okay, I opened it. And there's a suit there.
Barney: THAT'S the suit I'm talking about.
Ted: Barney...
Barney: This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at McClaren's in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?
Barney: ...I look like Barney.

 

 

2x19 - Bachelor Party

Ted: We just don't like your naked girls.
Barney: What!? My girls aren't hot enough. I mean, yeah alright fine, the stripper at Stuart's bachelor party was a 15.
Ted: She was 15!!?
Barney: No. A 15. Like in blackjack.
Ted: (pauses to think) ...As in..not sure whether you'd hit it?
Barney: Exactly!
Ted: Nice.

 ~¤~

Ted: We love naked girls. They're one of the best things in the world. It goes: naked girls, democracy, the scene in Every Which Way But Loose where the monkey gives the guy the finger.

 ~¤~

Robin: Check out what I got Lily for her shower. It's kind of racy, think you can handle it?
Barney: I've been in a ten-way, so yeah.

 ~¤~

Marshall: It's my bachelor party-no strippers.
Barney: Awww, he thinks he has a choice.

 ~¤~

Stuart: Marriage is like jail, right fellas? Except in jail, you get to have sex.

 

 

2x20 - Showdown

Lily: I lost a pound!
Robin: That's impossible! You ate McDonald's every meal for 3 days.
Lily: I knew that Super Size Me guy was full of it!
Robin: Well, it must be the wedding stress! We just got to up the intake. Lily Aldrin, drop and give me
20 bites of fudge!
Lily: Okay
Robin: Don't nibble at it. Attack it! Come on, Lily. You can do better than that!
Lily: I can't!
Robin: Well, eat faster, before
your body figures out it's full.
Lily: I'm trying
Robin: Oh, are you gonna cry? You gonna cry? Skinny little baby's gonna cry? Well, eat, damn it, eat!
Lily: Okay!

 ~¤~

[Ted comes out of his bedroom for a late-night bathroom trip when he notices Marshall entering the apartment.]
Ted: Marshall? What're you doing?
Marshall: (hesitantly) ...Going to the bathroom?
Ted: In the hall?
Marshall: ...Sleepwalking?
Ted: (accusingly) You're wide awake.
Marshall: ...Robbing us?

 ~¤~

Barney: I gaze upon the glory of The Price is Right and I see the face of America, and it is divine. Plus, you know, hot chicks on sport cars.

 ~¤~

Barney: You guys know how it's hard to be friends with me, because I'm so awesome?
Ted: Yes, it's hard to be friends with you, go on.
Barney: Well, this isn't going to make it any easier. I'm going to be on The Price is Right.

 ~¤~

Lily: Damn it! Nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry.
Barney: What's on it?
Lily: Lots of stuff: kitchen aid artisan series tilt head mixer..
Barney: Retail price 319.99, what else?

 

 

2x21 - Something Borrowed

Marshall: Hat. You thought of authentic Native American head-dress, before hat.

 ~¤~

Lily: My makeup is perfect, and I'm about to cry. Do something.
Robin: Uh, I have hairy nipples.
Lily: Really?
Robin: No, but it worked.

 ~¤~

Barney: You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey, baby, wanna pluck?"

 

 

2x22 - Something Blue

Lily: Oh... does it make you kind of sad that we don't share the same last name?
Marshall: You know, in a totally evolved 21st century kind of way, a little.
Lily: Oh... you know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy. Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: I got it! You ready? You ready?
Lily: Yeah?
Marshall: Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son Totally and their daughter Frickin?
(Both giggle)
Lily: I love you, Mr. Awesome.
Marshall: I love you, Mrs. Awesome.

 ~¤~

Ted: Tell the Loch Ness monster Ted Mosby says 'What's up?'
Marshall: Loch Ness is a she, Ted.

 ~¤~

Barney: You'll be at home with the kid, while I am out awesome-ing. All over the place. (turns to Robin) And you gonna be fat.

 ~¤~

Robin: You stole the blue French horn for me.
Ted: I would have stolen you a whole orchestra.

 ~¤~

Ted: Okay, time to get the horn back to the bistro.
Robin: Oh, Ted, I don't know if I can go again; that tuckered me out.
Ted: Not a euphemism.